Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
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A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
My dog ate my work from home.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Awwwww shit.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.