Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
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[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂