Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
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[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did