Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
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Its a hippotatomus
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two