Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
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I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
RT if you could go either way.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*