Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
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My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Duck typos.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?