Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
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Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”