SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
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“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..