SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
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Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.