shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
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My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.