@aneesa_p

Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.

They don’t give a fork.

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@3sunzzz

I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.

@noog

Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.

@carlyken

As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.

@mrjohndarby

Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?

Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.

@PrimeVideo

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.

@pest_mode

When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”

@notseriouslyamy

Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms