Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
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Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.