@DannyZuker You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
@aneesa_p Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
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@DannyZuker 
@Kyle_Lippert I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
@SteveSuckington [talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
@mcclure111 America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
@jakelikesnaps damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
@bjaynash My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
@BoneChocolates “Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
@Token_Geezer It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
@SkinnerSteven Flowers bee like
@degg just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot