shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
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he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.