Shout out to Grok for making this image I requested of elderly people hugging for an article I’m writing and not realizing until after I submitted the piece that this guy has two right arms in different sleeve material.
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just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.