Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
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Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?