Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
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Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
reviewed some movies recently
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
#have a #great #PancakeDay
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism