@shegotagronk

Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.

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@CyrusMMcQueen

I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…

@jeannerbeaner

My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.

@2tickytacky

I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.

@pplwtching

If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.

@RowdyBowden

“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War

@

Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.

@Marlebean

[outside a blazing house]

Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.

@MyFadedRainbow

Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey

Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*

@UnFitz

This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.