@donni I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
@shegotagronk Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
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@donni 
@kelkulus Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
@weinerdog4life Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
@GensPlace I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
@Reverend_Scott COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
@thevellimemer1 This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
@GeorgeNoble07 There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
@internetluke In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
@viciousbabydoll I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
@HollyMemphis *writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*