I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
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This tweet lives in my head rent free.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
[outside a blazing house]
Me: … There was a spider.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.