Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
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If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Me if I was a dog
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Somebody’s lying.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves