@shegotagronk

Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.

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@donni

I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.

@kelkulus

Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.

@weinerdog4life

Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar

@GensPlace

I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…

@Reverend_Scott

COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE

“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”

COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM

@internetluke

In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.

@HollyMemphis

*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*