Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
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[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
#parenting
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Golf would be better with landmines.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.