Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
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*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.