Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@abhorrent_wife

Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”

Nailed it.

@panmidwest

ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no

@Marcmywords2

Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.

Now go to bed,you’re drunk.

@iamburtjarvis

[moving her panties to the side]

HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.

@juicymorsel

I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.

@TheAlexNevil

Darth: You should not have come back, old man.

Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.

@0ne_1980

Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.

@ItsAndyRyan

Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.

@MadHatterMommy

Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.

@Breadery

Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.