Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
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Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.