shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
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I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.