Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
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Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”