@prufrockluvsong
@13spencer New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
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@13spencer 
@TrungTPhan the world’s most popular steaming services
@chuuew DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
@FormerHumorist BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
@slimmy_shady Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
@IamEveryDayPpl *hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
@junejuly12 *receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
@Dani_Feld When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
@Bootleg_Stuff :/
@KimmyMonte *sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?