shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
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My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Not all heroes wear capes.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”