shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
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Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
remember
only for emergencies
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.