shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house

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Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.


My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.


Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:

– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun


Wife: Whatchya thinking about?

Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.


Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.


[Grocery store checkout]

Me: *cracks open a beer*

Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here

Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this

Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here


Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.


Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed


I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.