@prufrockluvsong

shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house

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@13spencer

New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.

Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.

@chuuew

DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts

@FormerHumorist

BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?

@slimmy_shady

Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.

@junejuly12

*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*

@Dani_Feld

When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.

@KimmyMonte

*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?