shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
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Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”