Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
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If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide