Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
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If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
I’m giving up for Lent.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise