Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
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PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!