Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
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Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
*skinny dips into black hole
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
guys I’m going home