Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
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Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
I’m Sold!
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.