Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
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This will never not be funny to me.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
happy friday
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food