Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
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[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
what’s the point then??
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!