Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
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BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
This made me chuckle cuz mood
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.