Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
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You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist