Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
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Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Well, shit
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie