shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room
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I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
how to exercise your calf muscles
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.