Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
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Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Spring cleaning checklist…
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property