Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
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Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.