shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
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Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.