Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
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I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*