Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
You Might Also Like
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?