@peterjames48

SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)

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@KamaroPayne

Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.

@noog

America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War

@Home_Halfway

“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg

@PaperWash

A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.

@iscoff

“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied

@thepaulasuzanne

People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.

@TEXASVETERAN

I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.

@crashtestdrummy

A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.

I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…

@brynnester

Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky

My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now