Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
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whatcha thinkin bout
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
This guy’s not having it 😆
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…