Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
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making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.