Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
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Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Fights fire with marshmallows
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
My first child will be named New Folder.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”