shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
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Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
“I’m helping” 😅
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room