shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
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(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Coffee is ready.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands