@AngelaEhh

Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.

You Might Also Like

@jonnysun

JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume

@lionheaded_

Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans

@rad_milk

women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady

@drearydoug

I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.

@BlondAmbitionTO

I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.

@ThugRaccoons

KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal

Me: Family?

@Chhapiness

After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”

@iAmDelFreaky

I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…

OMG, I ATE THE TOY!