Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.

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JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume


Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans


women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady


I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.


I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.


KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal

Me: Family?


After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”


I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…