Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
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i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
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Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.