Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
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When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.