Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
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“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine