Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
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It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist