SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
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BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?