[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
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The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.