*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
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Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Intelligence is the new cleavage
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope